Often times, singles come to me looking to solve their dating or relationship problems. They want to meet someone special who they believe they can’t find themselves, but the truth is, most of what I do as a professional matchmaker you can do yourself.
If you are like any of the singles who grace my inbox, you’re likely lacking key components to being a like-minded partner. Don’t worry! We’ll work together to help you figure out your next move.
Being like-minded doesn’t necessarily mean having a degree, driving a nice car, owning a great home or having a bunch of money in the bank. You can have all these things and still be completely unavailable to someone.
So how do we prepare ourselves for our future someone? We do the work! Let’s start with three very important personal questions to help you on your journey to self-discovery.
#1 – Why is it so important to me to find someone?
This is a relevant question because your why adds clarity. If you’re thinking about why you need that new handbag or gorgeous dress, or why you want to take that vacation, there is a deep-seated emotion attached to the answer. “I want the dress because I’m typically unhappy, and shopping gives me joy.” “I want the vacation because I’m stressed and need reprieve.” It’s these emotions that spur action (or in some cases, inaction).
When I see a shoe I love and feel like I just have to have it, it creates a reaction in me that makes me make a purchase. I might go a step further by searching online for the best discount (because a girl loves bargains), but an action is happening nonetheless.
If you’re connected to your why, you will feel the connection to your how which is: How do I connect my emotion to the intended action? Your why is connected to your goal of finding a partner. Follow-through is up to you, but your why truly is your guide.
Why = Clarity = Emotion = Reaction/Action
#2 – What are my three biggest flaws and how can I fix them?
Are you impatient, stubborn, disagreeable or a skeptic? It’s not fun dating Debby Downer, but more importantly, displaying these attributes makes a future partner say, “I’m not sure I want to deal with that.”
There is this unrealistic expectation that because you have nice things and think you’re a nice person that a new person who doesn’t know you or your quirks is going to be “just fine” with your impatience of stubbornness. I hate to break it to you, but it’s just not going to happen.
Look within and explore areas that require refinement. We can demand a lot from our future partners: “He must have a degree, drive a nice car, make at least 6-figures…” These requirements are ideological, but let’s not forget that your future partner has a list of their own.
Remember, being like-minded means more than having fancy things. Consider the attributes you seek in a partner and ask, “How do I measure?”
#3 – What am I willing to do to help myself succeed?
I had a very interesting e-mail exchange with someone last week that I won’t completely go into, but I was left with the feeling that this individual would rather blame others for their inability to find a partner than to look within.
There are various reasons why you haven’t find the one. Some of those reasons are through no fault of your own, but there comes a time when we must ask ourselves, “What more can I do to go where I want to go?”
I often talk about dating with intention and having a plan of action for what we hope to achieve, but it’s not entirely possible to succeed in anything if we don’t have any skin in the game.
You can hire a coach, work with a matchmaker, use a dating app or whatever, but if you’re not present it’s likely you won’t have the success you seek.
Maybe it’s time to hire a therapist to help you through past trauma. Maybe you need a coach to help you see the patterns so you don’t make the same, bad choices. It’s get real time! Look within and ask, “What can I do to get the partner I want?”